I've Set It Aside

We're are on babymaking hold whilst Hubby pursue's a new career. Well, while he is training for said new career. The new job has IVF benefits, so we are pretty darn lucky.

I am thankful. But I've had to set my dream aside for the time, and it hurts, but I'm okay with it. I still ache when I see a swollen belly, or when I get lonely (Hubby is busy for a while for training). Last year, I never would've imagined that we'd be able to do IVF, but now it seems reachable.

But that ache. I don't feel it all day, I don't feel it every day. But I feel it sometimes and I know our baby is missing. So I pray that God keeps that baby in His arms until it's time to be with Mom & Dad.

For now, I've got Gus. Me & Gus; Gus & Me.

It really is a hard pill to swallow; the one that life isn't exactly how you imagined it would be. But it's okay. I know there is much more awesome in our future. I am so very grateful for the awesome we've already had.

One day at a time.

The Latest

Well, I've failed at the 7 days of Love thing, haha. I totally forgot about it. It's weird how spring is the busiest season of my life, I think even busier than the end of the year holidays.

Anyhow. It is finished. For now. No babies on this homefront.

We are out of money to throw at this problem. Our doctor wants us to try a more aggressive treatment, so I think we will begin saving for IVF, soon. Ryan is up for a job that may have some really awesome fertility coverage, so that would be a huge blessing.

I'm exhausted going over this story. So to sum it up: I feel good about the situation. God is gracious and merciful enough to allow me to come to the point where I have to fully surrender to Him. He has allowed me to force myself and my quest for knowledge and trying to know everything on the situation. I can do no more. I have no choice but to relinquish the problem.

This is still a roller coaster, but I do feel at peace with it. And it's okay to feel emotional about it, because I don't think there is anything more personal than your attempt to have babies.

So here I sit.

But I've come here today not to talk about all this per se. But instead to say that I will still hope and pray that I will one day be able to sing this song to my child:

"Bless The Broken Road"

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

7 Days of Love: A Countdown to the First 7 Years of Marriage

Day One: Isn't this letter beautiful? Ryan and I have been married for seven years, as of Saturday, the 26th. Marriage is a roller coaster! And, you don't have a "soul mate". You have to work at it (marriage), you must craft it. Cherish it. Work at it. Laugh at it. Care for it.

For today, I leave you with this letter. I only disagree with the going to bed angry part. Sometimes that's just not possible. Sometimes you've gotta sleep on it, come back to it. But everything else mentioned? Well, I couldn't have said it better myself.

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In the Art of Marriage, the little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say ‘I love you’ at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon; it should continue through all the years. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have the wings of an angel.
It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding rooms for things of the spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and obligation is reciprocal. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.


Paul Newman’s letter to his wife on their wedding

FPU Week 1, Part 2

1.What was the last major unexpected financial crisis you faced? How much money was involved? How would that have gone differently if you had had the money sitting in a savings account?


2.Dream big. What if you were debt free (except your home) and had $10,000 sitting in the bank just for emergencies? How would your life be different? How would you be different?


3.In this session, Dave introduced the notion of actually paying cash for major purchases. This is something we’ll talk about A LOT as we work through FPU. As we get started, what are your initial reactions to the idea of never borrowing money again? Do you think this is too extreme?

1. The last major unexpected $ crisis we faced was paying out of pocket for my D&C in July. The cost was somewhere (prepare for embarrassment because we should be able to cover it) in the range of $800 to $1000 for the surgery. It would have been less stressful all around and we wouldn't have decided to give up on owning our own home.

2. If I had zero debt and $10K in the bank for emergencies ... oh my word ... I would imagine I would feel calm about quite a few many things. I live a peaceful life, but I am guessing I would feel very secure and well on my way to taking care of the needs we have for family building.

3. I LOVE THIS IDEA!!! It truly has been a goal from the day we were married. We lived the first year and a half with zero debt. And then we bought a teeny tiny house we couldn't afford and it all went downhill from there. Love cash only, can't wait to get there.

And the last three (trying a different approach in putting the answer right after the question):


1.In this session, Dave pretty much says that anyone should be able to retire with dignity and some personal wealth. How do you respond to that? Do you believe that you could find $100 a month to save?

I agree, but have never known how to achieve this. I absolutely think I have $100 I could be saving.

2.In your to-do list from the last session, you were instructed to start laying out your personal budget by using the Quickie Budget form. Have you done that yet? If so, can you see how easy it would be to save money consistently, every month if you had no debt? What would that feel like?

I'll answer this one after we've done it.

3.Do you struggle with discipline when it comes to your money? What are some specific strategies you can use to overcome this challenge?

No Baby News Here

I'll get back to my blogging about fertility soon (upcoming things: right now I'm on birth control and I'll be having surgery in April ... how's that for enticement?).

But today I come to you because I've started the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University. And part of this process is to journal about various things as we go along.

This is a sixteen week study, which will take me right up to July. I hope to work on this each Sunday until then; that's when I've put it in my calendar.

The questions:

1.What do you hope to get out of Financial Peace University? What motivated you to enroll?

2.What are three or four specific goals you have for this program? In what ways do you want your life to be different by the time you finish this program?



1. What am I hoping to gain? Knowledge of course. I grew up a kid on welfare. I also have been super blessed in my career. Between the two of us, Ryan and I were making very good money over the last few years (well I know "good money" is all relative ... but we have lived a comfortable middle class existence). Oddly enough, Ryan knows how to handle money very well. But we only have about $1000 in savings (ahh, transparency.) And buying both of the homes we've purchased have been horrific decisions.

So, I need to know how to relate to money. I need to know how to get out of debt. I need to know how we will be able to build/support (healthily) our family (fertility treatment, IVF, adoption, etc., etc., etc.).

2a. 3 or 4 specific goals:
- create a budget
- begin to payoff debt (including learning how to really do that)
- learn how to live a "cash only" existence
- learn to not overspend/control my spending habits
2b. I hope my life is different when I'm done with FPU because I will have achieved goals up there. I think they are reasonable. If I haven't completed them, then I hope to be on my way to doing so. (And, of course, I hope that I will be preggers sometime in the next 16 wks.)

So, we will see what this brings. I like doing this on my blog.

Ta-ta.

Sarah

February & Beyond

Most of February has been emotionally good for me. We did an oral medication this cycle. It's similar to Clomid. It's called Femara.

And, what's done is done. I've taken all the meds. We've BD'd all the right days. Now we just see what happens.

Today, though, I'm feeling uneasy. Like it's going to be just another cycle like every other. We have one little egg. Will it be the one? Can that little one fertilize, and nest in, grow and be our baby?

I'm feeling quite disconnected from this whole process this month. I'm pretty sure we won't be able to cycle very much longer, if at all. Our money well has nearly dried up completely.

So now what? I don't know.

In positive news, we've found a church we are totally in love with. Which is really refreshing because it has been very difficult to find any sort of church around here.

Anyhow, I'm CD 16 and it won't be long until my heart is broken once more. Today, I have obviously lost faith.

God, what is your plan? How do I find it? Tell me what to do and I'll do it.

Cycle #36 - Out & January Goals

I have to sit out for this cycle. I had a Beta on NYE, and it was negative, as expected. I have an appointment with Dr. A to ... I don't know really. That's on the 11th though and I hope to plan out the next few cycles. I'm really hoping we can skip the IUI's and maybe just switch to stronger drugs.

Anyhow, I'm shooting for uber healthy this month. I'm back at the gym in the morning. I'm going to eat well this month... which is good because we're going to be poor now. :) (Insert joke about only one certain income here...)

I'd really like to be motivated enough to go to the gym twice each day this month. But we'll see.

Goals for tomorrow: Gym in the morning - 5am and eating right. Planning out the rest of the week.

Tonight... I'm watching the movie Brothers with my hubby.

Night, night.

Goodbye, Hello.

2010, it started with a lot of promise and lots of neat things happened. But some REALLY sucky things too.

I have learned a lot about my fertility and how babymaking works ... one would think it's really simple. But, for me at least, it is not. Last year we were scheduled to meet with the fertility specialist on January 5th. I thought "this could finally be the answer."

And, surprisingly it was ... sort of. My first cycle fell flat on it's face. 100 mgs of Clomid did nothing for me. So, the cycle was cancelled and I was heartbroken. But, to my shock, our second cycle - 150 mgs of Clomid, definitely didn't fall on it's face... at first anyway. And I was pregnant! And I was overjoyed. And so was Ryan. And I was overwhelmed. And so was Ryan. And I was SO, SO thankful. And so was Ryan.

Then our poor baby, Goldie, my best friend, my dog since I was in high school became ill and seemed to just go downhill so quickly. And we had to put her to sleep. And it was THE MOST DIFFICULT thing I have ever done.

Then, two days later, we had an ultrasound and discovered that my pregnancy was "empty". A blighted ovum. Nothing there. I was pregnant, with nothing.

And I had a D&C. And I have tried five or six more cycles and had no success. And it's frustrating. And it makes me want to scream and punch something, and yet, I don't know what else to do.

There were good things, our friend's wedding, I have overall lost some weight. I completed a half marathon - one of the most internally rewarding things I've accomplished.

So, I'm trying to be hopeful for 2011. But I'm falling short of some lifetime goals. I wanted to be finished having babies by the time I turned 30, and yet, I will not even have one yet. When it came to be that I would not have a child by the time I was 30, I resolved to be pregnant by or on my 30th birthday, and yet that's not looking so great either. But I suppose there is still hope for that, though I have little hope in much these days.

Yes, I do turn 30 this year. Something I will reflect upon more in February.

But overall, what do I want out of this year? I want, of course, the only thing I can think of, a baby, or two :)

If I was forced to set that aside and determine other things I'd like ... success for Ryan in his new job. Happiness and success for all of our friends and family, in their marriages, jobs, finances and relationships.

For myself, I would say, I want 2011 to be life changing. A year in which I conquer my weight loss. A year that brings resolve to what my purpose in life is. I want 2011 to be even better in my already great marriage. I want to learn a lot more about doing well with our money.

And ... since my computer is dying, I must cut this short ... well I know it's long, but I don't know that I was finished. But I did want to publish before midnight.

Here's to a happy, healthy, baby-filled 2011!

Cheers!