Goodbye, Hello.

2010, it started with a lot of promise and lots of neat things happened. But some REALLY sucky things too.

I have learned a lot about my fertility and how babymaking works ... one would think it's really simple. But, for me at least, it is not. Last year we were scheduled to meet with the fertility specialist on January 5th. I thought "this could finally be the answer."

And, surprisingly it was ... sort of. My first cycle fell flat on it's face. 100 mgs of Clomid did nothing for me. So, the cycle was cancelled and I was heartbroken. But, to my shock, our second cycle - 150 mgs of Clomid, definitely didn't fall on it's face... at first anyway. And I was pregnant! And I was overjoyed. And so was Ryan. And I was overwhelmed. And so was Ryan. And I was SO, SO thankful. And so was Ryan.

Then our poor baby, Goldie, my best friend, my dog since I was in high school became ill and seemed to just go downhill so quickly. And we had to put her to sleep. And it was THE MOST DIFFICULT thing I have ever done.

Then, two days later, we had an ultrasound and discovered that my pregnancy was "empty". A blighted ovum. Nothing there. I was pregnant, with nothing.

And I had a D&C. And I have tried five or six more cycles and had no success. And it's frustrating. And it makes me want to scream and punch something, and yet, I don't know what else to do.

There were good things, our friend's wedding, I have overall lost some weight. I completed a half marathon - one of the most internally rewarding things I've accomplished.

So, I'm trying to be hopeful for 2011. But I'm falling short of some lifetime goals. I wanted to be finished having babies by the time I turned 30, and yet, I will not even have one yet. When it came to be that I would not have a child by the time I was 30, I resolved to be pregnant by or on my 30th birthday, and yet that's not looking so great either. But I suppose there is still hope for that, though I have little hope in much these days.

Yes, I do turn 30 this year. Something I will reflect upon more in February.

But overall, what do I want out of this year? I want, of course, the only thing I can think of, a baby, or two :)

If I was forced to set that aside and determine other things I'd like ... success for Ryan in his new job. Happiness and success for all of our friends and family, in their marriages, jobs, finances and relationships.

For myself, I would say, I want 2011 to be life changing. A year in which I conquer my weight loss. A year that brings resolve to what my purpose in life is. I want 2011 to be even better in my already great marriage. I want to learn a lot more about doing well with our money.

And ... since my computer is dying, I must cut this short ... well I know it's long, but I don't know that I was finished. But I did want to publish before midnight.

Here's to a happy, healthy, baby-filled 2011!

Cheers!